Acidic Blood and You: A guide to your new janitorial duties
The following is a transcript of Senior Janitor Georg Wilhelm's seminar for new janitors, recorded and currently in possession by Agent Dave. >>> PLAY '' '' Ahem on megaphone alright, sit down, sit down! It's time for a body count. 1-2-3-4….What comes next? Never mind. I'm Gerog Wilhelm, senior janitor. Welcome to the most dangerous fucking job on the planet. How dangerous? I saw one guy touch a box, and he was forced to eat nothing but pringles. Before we move on, let me tell you that whatever you were told before about this place was probably wrong. We're not some lumber-mill in need of someone to clean the shitter, we're not some shower-head production line that needs their gutters checked, we ain't any of that. Hell, I don't even know what we are, all I know is that we're people who clean stuff and get payed well for it. Sounds fair enough, doesn't it? Of course it does. You want to know what else is fair? Doing your job. The way you'll do your job is simple. Each day, report to this closet at exactly 7 AM in the morning. There, I'll assign you to your shifts. Shifts are areas you are sent to clean up for a certain amount of time. For example, you could be sent to the militarized insects sector for 3 hours, or you could be sent to the mysterious blood inflammation disease containment sector for 9 hours. Another good example would be being sent to the suspicious wet rags facility for 2 hours. There are a lot of different sectors, and with that, there are going to be many people you meet in these sectors. Let me get you acquainted with some of these people. The security guards are the friendly guys with the guns. Just don't piss them off. The researchers are the guys in white shirts and jackets. Stay out of their way or they'll grab some sort of spoon that will turn you to oatmeal. The medical personnel are the exact same as the researchers, except they'll save your life and won't turn you to a pile of delicious goop. Keep them happy too. The administration members are the guys in the fancy suits. We don't usually get to see them, so you don't have to worry about them too much. The last people you'll meet are the D-Class. Those are the guinea pigs. You know, the disposable guys in orange. Ignore them, and they'll eventually get shot or eaten. Either solution works, just keep cleaning and it'll be fine. Back there, what's your question? What will you be using? Oh, right, forgot about that part. You are going to be given some standard working tools. Here's a list: a mop, some pliers, a couple of screwdrivers, gloves, a uniform, and a plastic card. The uses of these tools should be implied. Your uniform and plastic card tell people who you are. Always yell at your employees who you are. Your tools fix things, take advantage of that. Your mop cleans stuff, now use it on that corpse over there. Your gloves…..Well they're important, so keep those too. With that out of the way, let's get to the fun part. Though working here may seem grim, look up, and have something to work for. Pay day. I promise you, if you manage to survive for at least one week, you will earn somewhere between 1,000$ and 2,000$. No, not in cash, now sit down and shut it until later. In order to earn this money, you must work for it. In a few moments, I will give you all your first job for the day. Tomorrow, you'll receive another job. This cycle repeats until you are eligible for retirement, implying that you'll get to retirement. Now, before I assign shifts and tools to all of you, does anyone have any questions? This is the only time to ask, because I have things to do after this. You, chubby. Can you quit now? Hell no, welcome to this facility's viscera cleanup crew. Next. You, tree kisser, what is it? can you speak to the managers? Of course not, they all died yesterday. It's just me. Next question. Uh….You, old dude back there. Will lunches be provided? Yes, it has to be. Why? You're not going home for a bit. Hopefully none of you have pets. Anybody else? No? Alrighty, good. Let's begin. Jacques, Daniel, your first assignments are the tumor-filled cake study laboratories at 4 PM sharp for 10 hours. No, chubby, you may not eat the cakes. For the love of god, do not eat the cakes. Take these tools and get on the wall. Maxwell, Harmes, your first assignment is the homo neanderthal nazi regime containment sector at 9 PM for 3 hours. This is the broom of my dead partner, take it. Now, James and- TAKE. THE. BROOM. Anyway, James and Dawkins, head to the meat tree facility at 10 PM for 1 hour. Get on the wall with the rest as well. Now, not meaning to speak in a grim tone, but I'm pretty sure that at least one of you will die. Looking at you, chubby. Besides that, there's one thing you need to know. No matter what happens, no matter the cause, just remember this: that thing that just killed all of your friends is probably the same thing you have to dust off in about 3 minutes. Alright, you're all trained now. get out of my sight. >> END